Friendship, Parenting, and the Great Divide

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

My son’s middle school does something that I love. Every semester the school hands out character value awards to nominated students.  A student is chosen by a teacher for displaying the following values: commitment, integrity, respect, and responsibility.

I’ll take a minute to brag that my children have received one of those awards on occasion. As a parent, it’s nice for your child to be recognized for character traits that you work hard to instill and model in your home. It is also a refreshing way to acknowledge a student outside the  academic world where everything seems to focus on test scores and grade point averages.

But I have to admit something, it feels like a lie. If character matters, why is it so rarely recognized and esteemed in the adult world?

You might be living under a rock if you don’t feel the great divide and hatred between people over political beliefs and social opinions. It’s intense and social media doesn’t help.

But this post isn’t about specific political opinions or pointing blame at groups, individuals, or even how we have allowed hateful discourse to fill all types of forums in our society. This post is how do we— as parents—teach our children values that they carry with them into adulthood? How do we—as parents— encourage our children to respect others who believe differently than us? How do we do this in the face of what seems like a character-less society?

I think I have the answer, but it is not easy. It requires some work in values like commitment, responsibility, respect, and even integrity. Are you ready? Drum roll….

Encourage your children to form friendships with others who think differently than them. *Gasp!

My husband and I have tried to instill our values in our children. We are a family that discusses faith, politics, and cultural issues-ad nauseam sometimes. We don’t shy away from talking about relevant topics, and we guide our kids to think through issues for themselves. I can’t express how important it is to have these types of discussions in your home.

But do you know where my kids begin to develop their opinions and beliefs fully? Not from us. Yes, we guide them on where to start their foundation of thinking, but they find their voice from talking to their friends who believe differently than them. It’s also where they have learned how to respect others and how to value friendships.

I have been encouraged by watching my children form relationships with others who think and believe very differently than they do. It’s encouraging to notice a bond grow where political or religious beliefs are not factors in their friendships. Some come from families who believe very differently than our family. But these friends have found a commonality between them. It’s a unity not driven by political, cultural, or social stances.

Now I realize that young people (under 18) don’t vote and some don’t understand the ramifications of political choices, yet.  But they do understand the value of respect and the commitment to friendship.

But I don’t see this type of respect in society today. In fact, I think we are getting further and further away from it. It’s like we have lost that child-like ability to see each other as humans first before our political or social belief systems.

Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

I wonder, will those kids—that bond of friendship— dissolve after high school when they notice the real world likes to congregate in bubble think groups—where collectivism reigns above individualism especially on college campuses? Will they forget about respecting people for the bond of friendship itself outside of political or religious affiliations? Will character values still matter?

I admit I like congregating with friends who think like me. It is nice having “amen” corners and sharing thoughts with people who agree with me. But here’s the lesson. You don’t grow in character in “amen” corners.  You don’t challenge yourself to have empathy and respect for others by congregating in groupthink communities. I have learned to stand firm in my beliefs and convictions not from friends who hold my ideals but from those who have challenged my beliefs. Character traits form in the face of opposition.  I am grateful for friends and family that have forced me to think for myself. It has helped me to grow and mature in my character.

The political divisiveness in this country is ugly, but it is not a political problem. It is a cultural problem. We solve it by choosing to emphasize character first and befriending people both inside and outside of our comfortable circles. It doesn’t mean we have to compromise our personal beliefs, but it is about making the conscious effort to respect people for being just that—people—before their politics or social stances. That takes a bit of work, and it requires an exercise in character. But maybe if we model that for our kids, and we keep rewarding them for it, they will continue to form bonds of friendships which are based on character and not on divisive idealism.

I have hope for our future. I have hope for my kids and the next generation. Let’s take a step back and make a commitment to put character where it needs to be.  First!

For our kids’ sake!