Have you ever blamed the church?
I have.
It used to be my go-to response to the ills of society. Abortion, drug addiction, poverty, pornography…no matter the issue, my response was, “If only pastors addressed these topics from the pulpit. If only churches had ministries to help those hurting and in need. If there’s a problem, then the church must fix it.”
I was wrong.
It took a gentle conviction by the Holy Spirit to whisper in my ear, “Julie, you are my church. Do your part.”
Ouch, that hurt. But that nudge gave me the right perspective I needed.
I was so busy blaming the church as a whole that I failed to realize I was doing very little myself to be the light of Christ to those around me. Matthew 5:14 says, “You [me!] are the light of the world.”
I preface this for this last part of this blog series. Susan has let us into her family’s struggle with her daughter’s transgender identity. If you are reading this for the first time, you can read from the beginning here, here, and here.
I have asked Susan how we, as Christians and the church, should respond to the transgender issue. I encourage you—the reader— not to take a critical reaction to “the church” or your place of worship. But to see yourself as the body of Christ in how to respond and be a light in an increasingly dark world. Sometimes all it takes is one person to magnify that light and to embolden a church community to respond biblically and compassionately to a family or person in need.
From your perspective, where is the church on this issue regarding transgenderism?
The LGBTQ issues that society is dealing with today are usually handled in two different ways in the church community. Either they attack it with anger and fury from behind the pulpit, or it is taboo and not spoken of. Neither of these is a healthy balance. Many behind the pulpit preach anger because they feel out of control or uncomfortable with the subject. Of course, there are probably churches with a balanced approach, but I haven’t found them.
The heart of the struggle for us was that we felt so totally isolated and alone. Although it may not be that way for some people, as Christian parents, we knew the only way for us to approach this issue with our daughter was according to God’s will. We are no longer part of an organized church but are involved with a small group of believers that meet together several times a week. We opened up to our small group only because we knew them well enough to trust them with our situation. We share this heartache and pray for one another.
But to be quite honest, none of the people or church leadership from any of our former organized churches knows anything about what we are dealing with, and I am quite happy to keep it that way. My “mama bear” comes out even thinking about the possibility of Grace having to deal with the trauma of rejection by the church. I truly believe that most people dealing with any of the issues surrounding the LGBTQ lifestyle live their life daily EXPECTING to be attacked by the church, not loved as Jesus would love. “Just cast the demons out of them; they will be fine” seems to be the motto of those we once worshipped with.
How should the church respond in a balanced way?
Churches can’t take a strong, forceful approach in dealing with the LGBTQ because that is what they are expecting those in the church to do. If we kick them out or shun them, start looking over the obituaries because you’ll probably see some familiar faces that have passed through your doors. I’ve been there, done that. It hurts, and it still stings when I hear of others experiencing the same thing. Where is God in this equation? It seems they are doing all the work for the Holy Spirit and leaving very little room for genuine conviction and repentance.
Yes, the Bible tells us it is a sin. But it doesn’t tell us this in a hateful way. So many people are being wounded with the bullets that come out from behind the pulpits and platforms. If we preach to the
congregation as if EVERYONE was wounded and personally dealing with that particular issue, it might be dealt with in love and compassion.
Please understand, I don’t condone this lifestyle, and I can only speak from our personal experience. But quite honestly, our personal experience and way of dealing with this is difficult, but there is progress. Grace expects rejection, and she will walk away from rejection. She will turn to where she is celebrated. We couldn’t blast her with things like her lifestyle is taking her to hell or that she is out of God’s will, etc. She knows we don’t approve and that we will never compromise our faith and beliefs. However, we have finally won her trust, and she listens. She has begun to bend. She is acknowledging that she is worthy of God’s unconditional love. And He is showing her in HUGE ways that He loves her.
But when you have to deal with it first hand in your family, with your child, perspective changes drastically. God told us, “With love and gentleness, she will be won over.” The hardest thing was to let go and let God. He knows Grace better than anyone on this earth. He knows her innermost thoughts and torments and knows exactly how and when to deal with them. How much better would it be if the church would follow this instead of rushing in trying to fix everything because it’s an embarrassment and a smear on the face of God.
Grace isn’t an embarrassment to God. She doesn’t make Him look bad. God doesn’t need our help defending His reputation. He chooses the foolish to confound the wise. But as long as we cater to the “wise” (or rich, influential, or famous), we can’t heal the wounded. The wounded are our greatest warriors. And that’s what we’ve been doing with Grace, showing her the value of her life, God’s love, and allowing the Holy Spirit to do the work.
I’ve made some mistakes along the way, especially when we first began to deal with Grace’s problems a few years ago. These mistakes cost us trust, respect, and open communication with her. She is still fearful that we may make those mistakes again, but I had to apologize many times over to her and gain her trust. She is still the walking wounded from many situations. But she is more open in her communication with us and has made such progress. However, I had to admit that I made those mistakes and regret the hurt and fear I caused her. Maybe this is what we need in the church?
What is your advice to a parent or the Christian community to understand how to minister to someone struggling with transgender identity?
It can only be approached with true agape love. I don’t think I could have helped anyone dealing with this because I didn’t have the experience of loving a beautiful soul like Grace as intensely as I do. Seeing her pain and confusion broke my heart. God is near to those with a broken and contrite heart. I didn’t know where to turn at the beginning of this journey. We kept it to ourselves for over a year. There was no help available, so we had to create our own support… to cry out to God for guidance. It took many late nights praying and quite a bit of pen to paper writing notes and things God would tell me. There are still times when the sting of reality hurts, but these are the key points we gained:
- Love her unconditionally
- God is in control and resist the temptation to “fix” things (be still and know He is God)
- With love and gentleness, she will be redeemed from this
- Respond, never react
- Listen to the Holy Spirit, speak when He says speak, and be quiet when He says to be quiet
- Give Him all the glory for even the small victories
Giving God the control was the biggest struggle for me personally. And to be quite honest, at first, I was ashamed that this was in our family. After all, how could “this” happen to our family? We were the Norman Rockwell family that was in church every time the doors were open. I wanted to fix it fast, sweep it away and put it under the rug. It took Grace’s two suicide attempts to realize that it wasn’t going to go away and that we could lose our daughter permanently if we didn’t change our way of thinking. I think it’s a big thing with most parents dealing with this too. They want to bypass faith and trust in the Lord and get their child fixed and fixed quickly. But God’s timing isn’t our timing. And I truly feel that as parents, we need to submit to God’s process to mature ourselves and become more like Him with our love.
I’d also say to the church community and to people who are NOT dealing personally with this issue in their child, don’t ever think it won’t happen to you. But if a friend comes to you in confidence with this issue, listen first. Then pray for wisdom, peace, and guidance. Honestly, it just helps us to unload this HUGE burden somewhere safe. And I emphasize the word “safe.” Please don’t take it to other friends, your pastor, and your extended family members who might know how to help. When we first go to someone because we need to talk, it’s because we see you as someone we can trust with the biggest, scariest secret we have ever had to deal with. The easiest way to destroy someone’s life is to break confidence. When we first talked about our situation with Grace, we didn’t want advice. We just couldn’t take the burden any longer. And they listened, prayed, and cried with us. And we felt much better afterward. That’s when things began to change.
For the parents who are dealing with it? Love them unconditionally. Trust God. Pray for Him to bring you someone with whom you can share your burdens. Very important—guard your child’s mental health. The torment their minds go through is unbelievable, and the online community just adds fuel to this fire. The LBGTQ goes where they find acceptance and approval. They have been fed a lie that if you don’t approve or accept their lifestyle, you just can’t love them. Be prepared to hear some hard things from your child, but don’t react. Just respond. Ask them if they just want to unload and talk or if they want your input. Be gentle. Be kind. You want your child to come to you, not to the online community. They have to trust you, just like you need to have someone you trust and confide in.
Lastly, I just want to encourage parents going through this that God knows your heartache over your child. He knows their torment. God trusted you to parent your child’s beautiful soul. He knew you were strong enough to believe HE could change their heart. Trust Him! He is all that matters: His love, His purpose, His glory!
Thanks for listening,
Susan